| FUCK XANGA!!!!!!!!!!!
I've moved on to myspace and facebook!
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| I've dreamed...
Of being famous
Of being an astronaut
Of being a race car driver
Of being an engineer
Of being an architect
I've dreamed....
Of being taller
Of being taller
Of being more attractive
Of being good looking
I've dreamed...
Of being rich
Of having a nice car
Of having a big house
I've dreamed....
Of death
Of life
Of love
Of pain
Of fear
I dream now.....
OF BEING NORMAL AGAIN
OF BEING A BABY AGAIN
OF NOT CARING SO MUCH
OF SIMPLY BEING MYSELF AGAIN
OF BEING THE GUY GIRLS THOUGHT WERE SWEET
OF BEING THE ME I MISS AND LOVE SO MUCH
OF HOME
OF MY FAMILIE"S EMBRACE AND UNDENIABLE LOVE
I dream and dream, but will my dreams ever lead me anywhere?
I fear.....
physical and emotional PAIN
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| I've been thinking and thinking yet I can't seem to comprehend....
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| Who will be at St. Augustine beach for Spring break of 06???
-Caina |
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| It seems that the time I feel most inspired to write is after 12:00......
As I sat here in this chair today thinking about life I realized how incredibly fortunate I am to be where I am today.
When I say to people you know nothing about me the truth is you really don't. I have tried for years now to forget the past and just live the future. I have tried so hard to keep my past a sort of secret because sometimes it seems if I don't let it out in the open I will forget what life was like.
As you all know I was born in Brazil. Life really wasn't horrible, but it was also not very easy. Brazil is a great place to live, but we are constantly faced with violence and crime which makes us grown and mature at a young age. I have seen 4 corpses laying either on the side of the road od hanging out of car trunks and 4 people die in front of me, literaly in front of me! . I have seen the effects of drugs and alcohol upon a person and I have seen first hand the poverty and hardships of life.
Life was not easy at all for us in Brazil. My dad got paid reasonably well, but since my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom life was just plain and simple too expensive. To make ends meet me and my mom moved in to a one bedroom apartment with my uncle, aunt, cousin, and grandma. It was a tight fit and this is how we lived for about 6 years of my life.
For the nine years I lived in Brazil I have seen people die, people lose everything for drugs and alcohol and mostly poverty.
When I say you don't know anything about me the truth is you really don't! The little I have written today is nothing compared to what I remember and what I've been through. I have since the moment I moved to America kept my past quiet for I wanted to forget that life was ever hard.
I have just grown tired of keeping it all locked up inside me. I needed to let it all out. I just can't keep it inside me anymore.
I have seen things that I wish people never have to see.
I am truly sorry to everyone and anyone who I get aggravated with about using drugs or drinking alcohol, but I have seen what even the simplest drugs like weed can do to people. I would hate to see the people I love go down the same road that I have seen many others take.
I feel blessed that I have been given the opportunity to live a better life.
Why do I go back to Brazil every year you might be asking. The truth is I don't really know. I feel whole walking down the sidewalk or taking a city bus knowing at any moment I could be mugged. As hard as it may sound, some of my happiest moments in life are from Brazil and I just don't feel whole unless I'm there. I am on a day to day basis homesick and there are somedays I want nothing more than to sleep so that I may dream of home........
I have grown to love America and everyone I have ever met. I am incredibly fortunate to be here sorrounded by truly amazing people that are accepting and understanding of other religions. I have found love and have been able to love in a country so far from home and I can't express enough how thankful I am for everything.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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